31 Wild Times Lawyers Said ‘Yeah, This Guy Isn’t Winning’

‘He told the court he’s a ‘street pharmacist’’
31 Wild Times Lawyers Said ‘Yeah, This Guy Isn’t Winning’

I’m no lawyer. Or at least, that’s what the judge told me when I was thrown out of court for repeatedly objecting from the gallery. But I digress. I understand that part of the deal for real-life lawyers is that sometimes, you’re on the side of the case that you wouldn’t necessarily pick, given full choice.

After all, any amount of sterling legal work can be undone by a client with an especially fat mouth. Loose lips sink not only ships but settlements. Lawyers and those working toward their ends shared moments when they realized, to their great chagrin, “this guy’s not winning.” 

If for some reason, you still need to be told not to text your friends about crimes you did, below is a spread including a couple specific examples showing why.

MountainDog111 12d ago Not a lawyer but was in court to testify. Defendant in another case is pleading guilty. The judge requires him to allocute and he gives a detailed description of his crime. Не finishes, the judge looks at some paperwork and says Sir, that's not what you're charged with.
NotAnotherEmpire 12d ago Friend who is a criminal defense attorney was called at 3-something AM by the presiding judge. The sheriff is on his way to arrest your client, who is having his bond revoked. I am calling you at 3 AM about that because he is having his bond revoked for posting a real name social media threat directed at me and my family.
PirateJohn75 . 12d ago I used to work in forensic science and had to testify a lot. One of my co-workers was on his way to testify when he passed by a courtroom that had its door open and heard the attorney screaming at his client, HOW CAN YOU SHOW UP DRUNK TO A DUI TRIAL?!?!?!
Stonewool_Jackson 12d ago | worked for a trial graphics firm and was working on a case where a forklift driver was driving maniaclly and ran into a cinderblock wall of a new construction. It caused enough damage that a gentleman on a ladder on the 2nd level of the structure fell and fractured some vertabrae. The forklift driver was reprimanded the day prior driving the forklift in an unsafe manner. In his deposition, he bragged about how many speeding tickets and traffic violations he racked up in his corvette. It was fun watching the deposition back with the plaintiffs attorney.
MattTheTable 12d ago I had a client walk into the DCS (family services) office and demand to be drug tested immediately. They tested positive for almost everything. Still can't figure out what they were hoping to achieve.
Cam515278 . 12d ago Child visitation case. Mother argues for less visitation because father is always late (also in bringing the child to school) and generally unreliable. Father is a whooping 38 minutes late to the hearing.
TenaciousE 518 . 12d ago Committed crime, then immediately text messages not one, but two friends, I just .
wheninrome999 12d ago Third hand, from a friend of the lawyer's, in a divorce case. Tell them I only want the boy, not the girl. If I say that you're not getting custody of either one. I don't care. Your honor, my client only wants custody of the boy. You can guess how it went.
Kitsch_Cotash . 12d ago The federal judge asked all the attorneys on a civil case into chambers. Не stared point blank at defense counsel and said: The jury hates you, really really hates you.
JTHuffy. . 12d ago I had a client give me the poppy seed bagel claim to justify a positive drug test...and it wasn't for opiates.
AchillesNtortus 12d ago One of my wife's very old cases. DV where the male partner was accused of assaulting the woman. Defence was: Well, yes she was pregnant and I hit her in the belly, but it wasn't with an iron bar The judge was not amused.
Morbidhanson 12d ago Client sued for injuries from a car accident. Не had about 3 or 4 other accidents within the 3 years prior. One of them was a big rollover accident. Не had medical treatment for all of them but he only disclosed the accidents that were not the rollover. Also, insurance company saw on his instagram that he went skiing even though he was complaining about pain in his low back that was so bad he couldn't walk. We should never have taken the case, I don't know why the office signed him up.
sventos 12d ago Not my case but happened while I was waiting for my case to be called. Guy was upset the plaintiff was issuing a citation to discover assets against his wife and said in my culture women can't own anything Judge was not amused...
suckstoyerassmar 12d ago NAL, one of our clients showed up to Zoom court literally in the shower. Naked. Showering. In front of the judge.
VanNoctua 12d ago A man approached the court for a reduction in his child maintenance payments to my client while driving a brand new BMW SUV. Не said because I was a junior at the time, he'd handle the case himself and he'd squash me. After his poor attempt at compiling his disclosure of his financials, he was investigated and it was found that he was laundering money through a fake online church. He's now being criminally prosecuted.
Dense_Suspect_6508 . 12d ago DUI 3rd offense, single-vehicle crash into a guardrail at about 15 mph. Driver was arrested and booked in a shirt that read No Laws When You're Drinking Claws. There were 5 empty White Claws in the passenger footwell and a cold, half-empty White Claw in the cupholder. The first and second offenses were both less than 5 years old.
Orange_Kid 12d ago I saw a defendant pulled in for a show cause for violating probation. His drug test had showed positive for cocaine. Не stood up and shouted that it was a false positive because he drank three 2-liters of Coke that day. His lawyer grabbed him to sit down with one hand while facepalming with the other.
BaylisAscaris . 12d ago Defendent was drunk 80 year old hitting on the 18-19 year old jurors during recess while his lawyer frantically told him to stop and bodily blocked him from groping them in the elevator after he'd cornered one.
12d ago Sea-Act-1603 About halfway through a frivolous order of protection hearing against my client seeking visitation with his son, after the woman admitted she wasn't in danger and a friend told her filing an order of protection would keep him from getting visitation...as the judge was reaming her out she blurted out, I want a lawyer!
littlepinch7 . 12d ago My sister is a lawyer and her client ran a stop sign and t-boned another vehicle. She told my sister that she just knew in her heart of hearts that the other vehicle would stop instead. Was actually shocked that it didn't.
12d ago Bullsnake13 In an ongoing custody suit, my client asked his ex via text for urine because he had to take a drug test for a potential employer and would fail.
IamMcLevin 12d ago Client's in jail awaiting trial for an unrelated charge. Client decides he wants out of there and stacks chairs in the rec room. Client climbs chairs, pushes through the ceiling tile, then crawls on top of ceiling toward the next room over. Client falls through the ceiling five feet from the starting point and plummets ten feet in a shower of ceiling tiles. Client somehow manages to land on his feet. Client grabs fallen ceiling tiles, stacks them on top of chair stack, then attempts to escape again. Client falls through a different part of the ceiling.
Johnnywannabe . 12d ago Any cases where someone states I am sovereign and not subject to your jurisdiction.
Any-Chemical-2702 . 12d ago Legal secretary here - one of my boss' partners was trying to defend a young man for statutory rape. Не claimed that he and the underage victim had never had intercourse. Unfortunately for his lawyer, he failed to disclose that he was simultaneously suing for custody of the victim's baby, including proving paternity with a DNA test.
TheTapeDeck 12d ago I was the defendant, not the lawyer. But I'll make this quick. If you're going to try to sue for in excess of $100,000 for life changing injuries over a tiny no-damage fender no- bender maybe don't leave your social media public. And if you do, maybe don't upload pictures and video of yourself rock climbing, hiking, and going to extreme trampoline parks. And for the record, they got nothing. They should have settled with the insurer... they'd have gotten $10k to go away.
12d ago notadamnprincess | was defending the case so it wasn't my client, but the guy testified very clearly, under oath, multiple times, in no way that could be mistaken that he was seen by a very reputable specialist who diagnosed him with an irreversible condition that was a key issue in the case. We ended up settling for nothing more than nuisance value (nearly pocket change), but I was holding in my pocket until trial (in case I needed it) that the reputable doctor had died several months before he evaluated this guy. That would have been a fun
my_eventide . 12d ago NAL, but our client took the stand, and when asked about his job, he told the court he's a street pharmacist.
MCMLIXXIX . 12d ago Friend of mines does defence against injury claims for companies, currently working on where the guy tried to kick a moving train. Lost his leg and currently suing the train company for damages. Whole things on camera.
Ok_Werewolf_4109 12d ago Edited 12d ago | did a lot of child welfare work back in the day. Had multiple parents who were trying to get their kids back walk into court with wildly inappropriate outfits. t shirts with pot leaves (back when people cared); sexually suggestive graphics/slogans; a hat that said Cop Killa'. Didn't really impact outcome but sure as hell didn't help them that day. Had another guy who was a decent dude but chronically homeless. Не came in with a ragged suit and tie and apologized bc it was something he found in a trash bin but
Professional_Use2623 . 12d ago Had a client, on a recorded jail call and on camera, say, When I get out, I'm going to {commit specific crime}. Не then posted bond, got out of jail, and committed that specific crime. In front of several witnesses. And on camera.
Lawisuit 12d ago LawlsuitEsq G Had a client tell me she couldn't be charged with drunk driving because her boyfriend was steering from the passenger seat and she was just working the pedals. Passed that consult on to someone else with no shame.

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