26 Jokes From Some of the Best Stand-Up Comics of All Time

‘For my birthday, I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out’
26 Jokes From Some of the Best Stand-Up Comics of All Time

Wow, what are we even going to say as the openers for these jokes? Nothing that can hang with this gold, we’ll tell ya that much. Maybe we’ll just do a little crowd work before the best to ever do it show off their writing skills. 

So, are you idiots from out-of-town or what?

Hannibal Buress

Hannibal Buress on Napkins I never use a napkin on my lap at a restaurant... because I believe in myself.

Steven Wright

Steven Wright on Being His Own Boss I was driving past the gas station. There were two signs in the window, 'Help Wanted' and 'Self-Service.' So I went in and hired myself.

Nail Hamburger

Neil Hamburger on Physicians What do you call it when a medical physician turns off the life-support system on an elderly man who has been officially classified as an imbecile? Eric Clapton Unplugged.

Kathleen Madigan

Kathleen Madigan on the Unhoused I always give homeless people money, and my friends yell at me, 'He's only going to buy more alcohol and cigarettes.' And I'm thinking, 'Oh, like I wasn't?

Dave Attell

Dave Attell on Using the Bathroom You can say, 'Can I use your bathroom?' and nobody cares. But if you ask, 'Can I use the plop-plop machine?' it always breaks the conversation.

Jimmy Carr

Jimmy Carr on the Lottery I used to buy lottery tickets every week until I realized you could watch it on TV for nothing.

Ron White

Ron White on His Work Ethic People are saying that I'm an alcoholic, and that's not true because I only drink when I work, and I'm a workaholic.

Norm Macdonald

Norm Macdonald on Homelessness I feel bad for the homeless guy, but I feel really bad for the homeless guy's dog because he must be thinking, 'Man, this is the longest walk ever.

Tom Segura

Tom Segura on Hotels Hotels are great. Everybody loves hotels. Especially when you check in with your significant other. Why? Because you know in a hotel, you're gonna have sex, and you're gonna have an elevated form of sex. You're gonna have hotel room sex, which is, 'Let's have sex, but let's also disrespect this room.

Maria Bamford

Maria Bamford on Being Fired I've been fired a lot. I prefer to call it just another stop on my Burning Bridges Tour.

Mike Birbiglia

Mike Birbiglia on Weed I don't smoke a lot of pot anymore. No one wants to hang around a guy who ends every sentence with, 'Do you guys hate me?

Wendy Liebman

Wendy Liebman on Cat Behavior I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it's because the water is cold in there. And I'm like: How did my mother know that?

Paul F. Tompkins

Paul F. Tompkins on Cryptocurrency Does everyone who's into crypto not know that we already have a fake money scheme called 'money'?

Sarah Silverman

Sarah Silverman on Her Sister Dating My sister was with two men in one night. She could hardly walk after that. Can you imagine? Two dinners? That's a lot of food.

Joan Rivers

Joan Rivers on Her Childhood All I ever heard when I was a kid was, 'Why can't you be more like your cousin Sheila?' And Sheila had died at birth.

Nate Bargatze

Nate Bargatze on Adult Remedial Classes I took reading (class) as well. I drove to that class. You know what that feels like? I've driven to a reading class. I'm not even an immigrant; I'm from here. I should have knocked that out years ago.

Patton Oswalt

Patton Oswalt on Pitching the Concept of Circuses We're gonna put up a tent on the outskirts of town, and we're gonna fill it with depressed animals walking slowly. Did I say walking? I meant trudging. Trudging counterclockwise in an oval. And while they do it, we're going to play creepy Calliope music over them-their spirits broken, no connection to the wild.'''

Rodney Dangerfield

Rodney Dangerfield Misreading the Situation With girls, I don't think right. I had a date with one girl; she had mirrors all over her bedroom. She told me to come over and bring a bottle. I got Windex.

Zach Galifianakis

Zach Galifianakis on Drinking You know you're an alcoholic when the bartender knows your name - - and you've never been to that bar before.

Steven Wright (Him Again)

Steven Wright on His Product Battle For my birthday, I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

Ronny Chieng

Ronny Chieng on His Parents Wanting Him to Be a Doctor When Asian parents want their kids to be doctors, 'helping people' is on the bottom of the list of reasons, if it even makes the list of reasons to go into medicine. 'Helping people' is the unfortunate byproduct of becoming a health-care professional.

Adam Ferrara

Adam Ferrara on Catholicism I am a Catholic. Basically, the Catholic religion is 'If it feels good... stop.'''

Taylor Tomlinson

Taylor Tomlinson on Her Brief Engagement I got engaged, but it didn't work out. It's okay; it wasn't that sad. The ring-it felt weird. It kept getting caught on stuff like sweaters and my freedom.

Andy Kindler

Andy Kindler on Swinging My wife and I want to try swapping. We want to go to one of those key parties where you put your keys in a bowl. But we just want to upgrade our car.

Robin Williams

Robin Williams on Doctors You don't want a doctor who also has a hobby! You don't want a gynecologist who's also a magician! 'How are we doing today, Mrs. Johnson? Oh, look! A dove! (Mimes pulling out ribbons) Oh, what's this, what's this, and this, and this? Is this your card?'

Demetri Martin

Demetri Martin on Swimming Swimming is a confusing sport because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is. I gotta go by the outfit. Pants? Uh oh. Bathing suit? Okay. Naked? We'll see. Should I be swimming faster, or am I getting laid?

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